


A Mother Understands

by GinnyK



Category: The West Wing
Genre: Episode Tag, Episode: s05e22 Memorial Day, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-03
Updated: 2018-07-03
Packaged: 2019-05-31 04:23:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 21,985
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15111731
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GinnyK/pseuds/GinnyK
Summary: Post ep toMemorial Day.





	A Mother Understands

**Author's Note:**

> A copy of this work was once archived at National Library, a part of the [ West Wing Fanfiction Central](https://fanlore.org/wiki/West_Wing_Fanfiction_Central), a West Wing fanfiction archive. More information about the Open Doors approved archive move can be found in the [announcement post](http://archiveofourown.org/admin_posts/8325).

Germany  
Monday  
9:00 PM 

Josh stood at the door as Donna's body was covered with sterile drapes. Ignoring his growing queasiness he stood stone still watching as the surgeons prepped her for what he prayed would be a life-saving procedure. As he caught the first glimpse of blood he turned to find a chair before his knees gave out. He dropped his head down and took a few deep, ragged breaths. 

"Mr. Lyman," came a voice from the doorway. Josh recognized the voice of Christine, one of the nurses from Donna's floor. "Are you ok?" she asked concerned about his pale complexion. Josh just shook his head a little without looking up at her. "Are you going to be sick?" she asked as she glanced around for the nearest trashcan. 

"I don't think so," Josh whispered weakly as he lifted his head a little. 

"Mr. Lyman..." 

"Josh," he muttered as he rubbed his eyes. 

"OK, Josh. When was the last time you ate? Or slept?" He just shrugged his shoulders, actually having no idea when the last time was he did either of those things. "Why don't you let me get you something to eat? The procedure could take a while and you really need some food and some rest," she said as she gently put her hand on his shoulder. Her gesture made him jump. 

"Sorry," he sighed. 

"It's ok," she assured him with a warm smile. "I'll be right back. Just sit," she said. 

"I can stay here?" Josh asked, knowing he'd burst through a door marked DO NOT ENTER on his way to find Donna. 

"If you stay in the chair," she replied, making it clear that he was not to go near the OR door. 

Josh managed to stay in the chair until Christine returned. He dutifully ate the turkey sandwich and drank the cup of hot tea she brought him. When he felt strong enough to stand he went outside for a breath of fresh air and to call Donna's mother. He caught her on her cell phone while she was in O'Hare on a layover. At the sound of her voice cracking Josh struggled to keep his own emotions in check. 

Josh went back to where he had been waiting before. He managed to walk past the OR door without looking at anything other than Donna's face. Josh slumped down in a chair, stared at the floor and waited...and waited...and waited. He thought of his own recovery, his father's death, Joanie's death and the fact he had yet to tell Donna his true feelings. 

Finally a pair of sneakers came into his line of vision and he looked up to face Dr. Leahy. He assured Josh that the surgery went well and that Donna was on her way to the Recovery Room. Josh slumped back in the chair, his exhaustion finally starting to get the best of him. 

"Mr. Lyman...Josh, you need to get some rest. Donna will be in Recovery for several hours. How about you go back to her room and sleep? I'll have a cot brought in for you. Have you eaten?" 

"Yeah, Christine fed me a while ago," he said wearily as he struggled to his feet. Dr. Leahy reached out to steady him as he got his bearings. 

"I mean it Josh. If you don't sleep I'm sedating you," Dr. Leahy warned with a slight grin. He doubted the man before him had slept more than 4 hours out of the previous 36. 

"I will," Josh promised. By the time he had used the men's room, brushed his teeth and called his mother and Donna's mother a cot had been moved into Donna's room. He stared at her empty bed as he kicked off his shoes, pulled off his tie and tugged his shirt out of his pants. He realized that the first thing he needed to do after he napped was find a place to shower and some clean clothes. Curling under the blanket he was asleep within minutes. 

Donna was wheeled back into the room a little before 3:00 AM. Josh didn't even stir. Christine smiled at him, glad he was finally able to get some rest. She threw another blanket over him, turned down the lights and left quietly. 

Washington DC  
Memorial Day  
7:00 PM 

Although the two women had never met and up until that day had never even spoken they would have little trouble picking each other out of the crowds of people in the Delta terminal of Dulles airport. The older woman had arrived in DC a little after noon. That gave her enough time to take care of a few things in the city before returning to the airport. She was sipping tea and reading a magazine when the flight she was waiting for was announced. She put away her reading, ran her hand through her short white hair and picked up the small brown leather backpack her son had given her for her last birthday; she set it on her left shoulder and picked up a navy duffle bag with her right hand. As she watched the people deplane she had a fleeting thought that she might not be able to pick out the woman she was looking for. The thought was fleeting indeed. As the last group of passengers made their way up the jet way there was no denying the one she was looking for. The other woman's dark hair had been hastily pulled back in a ponytail as the plane had landed in an effort to look just a bit more pulled together than she felt. She pushed the tote bag higher onto her shoulder as she quickly scanned the crowd. Her shoulders held the weight of the world. A feeling the older woman was all too familiar with. Four years earlier it had been her making the anguished plane ride as her own child fought for his life. 

"Susannah?" Rebecca Lyman called out as she waved to the dark haired woman. Susannah Moss nodded and made her way through the maze of people. She stopped in front of Rebecca, not quite knowing what to do. She'd never met the woman in front of her yet she felt this connection that was like nothing she had ever experienced. Without a second's worth of hesitation Rebecca Lyman reached out to hug Susannah Moss. Tears flowed freely from both women as people scooted around them, hurrying to their destinations. 

Susannah took a deep breath and stepped back. She hastily wiped her eyes with the tissue Rebecca held out to her before hitching her bag up a little higher. "I suppose we should get out of the way," she said as she motioned towards the crowd of people heading for them, eager to board the next flight. 

Rebecca checked her watch; they had nearly 3 hours before their flight left for Germany. "What do you think, head for our terminal and find somewhere to get a drink?" she suggested. Susannah could only nod in agreement. Although she was a born leader, usually the one in charge of getting the family where they needed to be when they needed to be there, she was perfectly content to let Rebecca lead the way. 

Half an hour later they were settled in a private corner of the lounge in the International departure terminal. Both had a glass of white wine in front of them. "What's the last you heard?" Rebecca asked. 

"Josh got a hold of me while I had a layover in Chicago. Donna was in surgery. They were trying to remove the blood clot." Rebecca just nodded and took a deep breath. She didn't think Susannah knew that was what killed her husband. And she didn't feel the need to share that information. "There was a message on my phone that I picked up before I got off the plane. She was out of surgery and things were looking better." 

"That's the last I heard too." 

Susannah didn't say anything more as she was trying desperately not to break down in the airport in front of a woman who, in reality, was practically a stranger. But there was a connection they both felt. Rebecca reached across the table to squeeze her hand. "What time did you get in?" Susannah asked trying to change the subject a little. 

"Around noon," Rebecca answered as she set down her wine glass. 

"You haven't been here in the airport all that time have you?" 

"No, Leo...Leo McGarry, he sent a car over for me. I had a chance to go to Josh's apartment and pack a few things for him," Rebecca replied as she gestured towards the duffle bag sitting next to her feet. "Apparently my son flew across the Atlantic Ocean to see your daughter without bothering to stop home for any luggage," Rebecca said, a slight smile playing across her face. Susannah returned the grin, although it was clouded with worry. 

"When Donna gets better it's time we knocked some sense into them and bought them a clue," Susannah said through her tears. Rebecca nodded in agreement and handed some tissues across the table. "Does Josh know you're coming?" 

Rebecca Lyman smiled and shook her head. "I didn't even ask. He would have just told me no. I was debating what to do when Leo called. He was worried about Josh, and Donna too obviously, thought maybe a mother's touch was needed." 

"And now they're getting double the mother's touch," Susannah said with a sad smile. Both women glanced at their watches, willing time to go by faster. 

A little over 3 hours later, after a quick stop over in Newark they were on their way across the Atlantic. They chatted for a while before giving in to some much needed sleep. 

*************** 

Germany  
Tuesday  
12 Noon 

As the haze of unconsciousness lifted Donna took a few minutes to get her bearings. Cracking her eyes open against the sunlight streaming in the window she realized she was back in her room. But back from what? Her memory was more than a bit hazy but the new pain searing through her side let her know she had been through something more in the last few hours. She turned her head to the right expecting to see Josh sitting in the chair watching her sleep. The chair was empty and the television turned off. The nurse came into the room at that moment and pressed her fingers to her lips as she pointed towards the corner by the window. Donna took as deep a breath as she could and turned her head the other way. Curled up on the cot, with the blanket pulled up around his chin, Josh was sound asleep. Donna smiled as unexpected tears sprang to her eyes. 

"Hey, it's ok," the nurse said as she carefully wiped Donna's face. "Would you like some water?" Donna nodded slightly. She only took a few sips of water but that was enough to allow her to talk a bit. 

"How long?" she asked as she did her best to point in Josh's direction. 

"Unless he's been sneaking around he's been asleep for almost 11 hours." 

"Can't sneak...too clumsy," Donna whispered as she struggled to find the button to the PCA machine. 

"I heard that," Josh said in a voice hoarse with sleep. He opened his eyes to look at Donna. She flashed him as big a smile as best she could and was rewarded with a dimpled grin in return. He sat up slowly and stayed on the bed as the nurse took Donna's vitals, he didn't want to chance seeing anything that would make him any queasier than he already was. Once the nurse was done he stood up and shuffled over to the bed, pulling a chair with him. 

"What happened?" Donna asked. Stalling, Josh made a clumsy attempt to smooth down his hair and wipe the drool from his face as he settled in the chair. "Josh?" she asked again as she looked at his face for any sort of clue. 

"You had a blood clot," he replied simply. 

"PE?" asked Donna as she swallowed hard. Josh just nodded and sat up a bit to put his elbows on his knees. He was doing his best to avoid Donna's gaze. "Like your Dad," Donna said quietly as more tears started to stream down her face. "Josh look at me," she said as she blindly reached for his hand. Josh looked up with watery eyes. Donna motioned for him to move closer. He did and she pressed her hand against his cheek. "You need a shave," she whispered as she brushed away his tears. Josh laughed in spite of the tears. 

"I know. And some clean clothes," he said as he motioned towards his hopelessly rumpled outfit. 

"And a shower," Donna teased as she made a half hearted attempt to hold her nose. 

"Go back to sleep. I'm going to see if I can find something to wear before your mother gets here," he said as he gave her hand a squeeze. He realized it was the first time he'd really touched her since arriving in Germany. She had just looked so frail, like she would break if he hugged her. 

********************** 

Josh made his way back to Donna's room carrying a large bouquet of red roses. He still hadn't managed to shower. His cell phone had rung just as he was about to ask the nurse for a place where he could get a pair of jeans and a shirt or two. It was Leo and he felt the obligation to give him his undivided attention for as long as it was needed. After all, he did leave the White House in the middle of a crisis. 

"You're not clean," Donna whispered, stating the obvious. 

"Leo called. I had to talk to him, Toby, CJ, The President, Kate and Leo again," Josh sighed as he walked over to the bed. "These are for you," he said sweetly as he handed Donna the flowers. "This is actually the second bouquet. The first one, well, I'm not sure what happened to it. I had roses last night and I kind of tossed them aside when I went running through the hospital looking for you," he admitted as he felt a blush come over his cheeks. 

"They're beautiful," she said with a big drug induced smile. "You don't have to go back do you?" she asked nervously as Josh filled a spare vase with water. 

"No, not yet," he assured her as he took the flowers and put them in the water. He stood by the bed for a minut, not quite knowing what to do. Despite his 11 hours worth of sleep he was still tired and was feeling totally disgusting in his clothes. 

"Sit for a minute," Donna sat as she pointed towards the chair next to her bed. Josh pulled it a little closer and sat down. "You look like crap," Donna teased as he let his head fall onto the bed. She ran her fingers through his hair before rubbing his shoulder. "Lie down for a little while." 

"Your mother will be here soon. Maybe I should go," Josh mumbled not quite sure he wanted to be passed out in Donna's room when her mother arrived. He'd only met her once, on a campaign stop in Wisconsin during the second campaign. He could only imagine how she was going to react towards him, seeing as he sent her daughter halfway around the world only to be caught up in an explosion. 

"Go where Josh? You haven't left long enough to get a hotel room yet," Donna pointed out. 

"Yeah," sighed Josh. After another minute or two of internal debating his sheer exhaustion won out and he curled up on the cot. Donna tried to stay awake to partake in one of her favorite activities, watching Josh sleep, but she had pushed the PCA button and was soon knocked out from the morphine. 

********************** 

As the pilot announced their descent Rebecca and Susannah both ran their fingers through their hair and put on lipstick. "Seems pretty silly, I suppose," remarked Susannah as she waved the tube of lipstick in the air. 

"Well, we don't want to scare our kids," Rebecca said with a grin. 

"God give me strength," Susannah whispered to herself as she wheels touched down. She looked down to see Rebecca's hand tucked into hers and wondered how it was possible to become so close to someone in such a short amount of time. 

They made it through customs and were debating the best way to get to the hospital when they looked up to see a driver holding a sign with their names on it. "Leo," they both said at the same time. The driver had instructions to take them directly to the hospital. 

******************** 

Outside Donna's room Susannah steeled herself to see her daughter. Rebecca squeezed her hand and pushed open the door. Susannah dissolved into tears as she caught her first glimpse of Donna. Rebecca gave her a slight push in the direction of the bed as she hung by the door. Rebecca had yet to notice her son curled up in the corner sound asleep. As Susannah pulled up the chair and gently picked up Donna's hand she noticed Josh. 

"Rebecca," she whispered. "There's yours," she said with a grin as she pointed towards Josh. Rebecca crossed the room, sat down next to Josh and reached out to brush back his hair. 

"Mom," Donna whispered as she cracked her eyes open. Two minutes later both Donna and her mom were crying. Rebecca turned away from them, trying to give them a little privacy. Josh was starting to stir. He rolled over onto his side to face her and Rebecca rubbed his back gently, much like she did when he was a little boy. She was rather alarmed at how exhausted he looked. She knew he probably hadn't gotten much sleep over the past few days but she wasn't prepared for how bad he looked. It had been almost 5 months since she'd seen him and in those few months he seemed to have aged 10 years. 

Josh was vaguely aware of someone rubbing his back as he struggled to wake up. He knew he must be dreaming, there was no way Donna had climbed out of bed and was currently sitting with him on the cot. Something about the dream was comforting and he made no effort to open his eyes. The familiar scent of lavender and peppermint filled his nose as the haze of sleepiness faded away. "Mom," he whispered as he was finally able to open his eyes. He blinked a few times to make sure he was indeed awake and not dreaming. 

"It's me," Rebecca said as patted his cheek. Josh sat up and hugged her as tears of frustration, exhaustion and worry spilled out. Rebecca held him and whispered to him as he let out 2 days of fears and anguish. 

"What are you doing here?" he finally asked. 

"Where else would I be Joshua?" she asked as she reached over and grabbed him a handful of tissues off the table next to Donna's bed. 

"How? Who knows you're here?" he asked as he sat cross legged on the bed wiping his face. 

"Well, Leo knows and Susannah, obviously," she said as Josh noticed Donna's mother for the first time. He'd been so wrapped up in his surprise at seeing his own mother he didn't notice she hadn't come alone. Susannah looked at him and smiled wearily. She held out her hand towards him and in that instant he knew he wouldn't have to deal with the wrath of Mrs. Moss. Josh scrambled off the bed and gave her hand a squeeze. He pulled a chair up for his Mom and the 3 of them sat there holding hands and crying over Donna. 

"Mrs. Lyman," she whispered as she reached for the older woman's hand. 

"My dear Donnatella, how many times do I have to tell you not to call me Mrs. Lyman," Rebecca teased as she leaned over to brush a kiss against Donna's forehead. 

"Could you all please stop crying?" Donna teased. 

"Hey, we need more tissues in here," Dr. Leahy noted dryly as he came into the room. 

Josh made the introductions all around and excused himself from the room while Donna was examined. His mom followed him into the hallway. "So how many times have you passed out?" she asked with a grin. 

"None," Josh answered proudly. "But I've come close about 5 times," he admitted with a smile. 

"Why don't we let Susannah and Donna have some time alone? You, my boy, need a shower," Rebecca said as she took a few seconds to look at Josh from head to toe. Josh agreed. He peeked in to make sure it was safe to go back in. Donna waved him in. He got a quick report from the doctor while Rebecca grabbed their bags. She kissed Donna goodbye and she and Susannah stepped out into the hallway for a minute, giving Josh and Donna some privacy. Both of them suddenly found themselves rather uneasy, knowing their mothers were standing outside made them feel like a couple of shy teenagers. 

"Go take a shower and get a decent meal. I don't want to see you back here until tomorrow morning," Donna said as she reached to squeeze his hand. 

Josh opened his mouth to protest but instead ending up yawning. "I'll call you later," he said as he leaned down and kissed the top of Donna's head. She smiled and let her eyes slip closed. 

"Uh Mom, where exactly are we going?" Josh asked as they waited for the elevator. "I haven't actually left the hospital long enough to get a hotel room." 

"Not a problem. I have a suite at a hotel a few blocks away." Josh just looked at her with raised eyebrows. "Leo," said Rebecca answering his unasked question. 

"Leo," Josh muttered under his breath wondering if Leo would have arranged a hotel room for him if his mother hadn't flown over. He didn't contemplate it too long, the thought of a hot shower was enough for him to not care about the how and why of the situation. 

********************** 

Fifteen minutes later Josh and Rebecca entered their hotel suite. It was more than they had expected. It was a beautiful two bedroom suite with kitchenette, complete with a fruit basket the size of the coffee table, thanks to Leo and his bottomless checkbook. Rebecca handed Josh his duffle bag and shoved him in the direction of the bathroom. Up until that moment he hadn't even realized the bag she was holding was his own. "You went to my apartment?" he asked his mom with a goofy grin on his face. 

"Yes Joshua, you flew across the Atlantic with only a toothbrush. There are clothes, your shaving stuff, your blood pressure meds and a few other things I thought you might appreciate," she said with smile. "Go, shower," she repeated as she gave him another push in the direction of the bathroom. 

Once in the large, impressive bathroom Josh toed off his shoes and unbuttoned his shirt. He made the mistake of looking at himself in the mirror on his way to turn the water on. He was pretty sure his mom would hold him hostage in the hotel room until he didn't look like "Death on a Trisuit" anymore. 

For the first 15 or so minutes of his shower Josh did nothing but stand under the hot spray, letting the water flow over his body loosening 2 days of tense, tired muscles. He felt marginally better by the time he stepped out of the shower nearly 45 minutes later. He knotted the towel around his waist and stuck his head out of the bathroom. "Mom," he called, a little louder than he needed to. 

"Joshua, don't bellow," she called back. 

"Sorry. What do you want to do about dinner?" he asked, hoping against all hope that his mom just wanted to order room service. He truly lacked the energy to go out again. 

"I just ordered food. Put on your pajamas, you're not going anywhere," she said with a smirk. 

Josh went back into the bathroom and opened up the duffle bag to see just what his mom had packed. The first thing he found was his favorite blue pajamas. He put them aside and hunted in the bag for his razor. He was just about to plug it in when he realized the plug wasn't going to fit. He dug a little deeper and came up with the adapter. The voltage adapter was something he never, ever remembered to pack; Donna always remembered it for him. He leaned against the counter staring at the adapter in his hand, thinking of how close had come to having to remember to pack it himself. It was just one of the little things Donna did for him. Little things that were too numerous to count, things he depended on and looked forward to, things he didn't know how he would live without. The sound of his mom knocking on the door brought him out of his thoughts. "Josh, finish up, the food will be here soon," she said softly. 

Josh shaved, put on his pajamas, ran his fingers through his hair and took his very overdue blood pressure meds. He left the bathroom and collapsed on the couch. Rebecca came over to him and sat down on the arm of the couch. She put her arm around his shoulders and kissed the top of his head. Just as Josh felt his tenuous grasp on emotional control slipping the food arrived, saving him from another possible breakdown. 

Dinner was quiet, Josh picked at his food for a while pushing it around on his plate like he used to do when he was a little boy. "Joshua David," Rebecca said in an exasperated tone as she reached across the table to still his hand. Josh glanced up with a sheepish look on his face. 

"Sorry," he muttered as he speared a piece of meat with his fork in an exaggerated motion. "I'm eating," he said with a grin as Rebecca just shook her head at him. 

After dinner he talked to Donna for a while until her own food arrived. She said she would try to call him back before she went to sleep for the night but Josh didn't hold out much hope that would happen, she already sounded exhausted. Josh passed the phone off to his mom so she could talk to Susannah for a while. Then, knowing it was the right thing to do, he called to talk to Leo. By the end of the conversation he could tell Leo wanted him to head back to DC but Josh knew in his heart that he wasn't ready. And Leo didn't push, instead he asked Josh to try and do a little work from the hotel or the hospital. Josh promised to see what he could do and hung up feeling badly about deserting everyone at the White House. 

While his mom went to try out the whirlpool tub in the bathroom Josh took a few minutes to unpack the duffle bag. Inside he found the expected clothes, a few pairs of jeans, a pair of khaki pants, some shirts, socks, his sneakers and underwear. He also found the items his mother had hinted at, the things which might bring a little comfort, the heating pad (complete with adapter), a picture of Donna and himself that usually resided on his dresser, a box of his favorite green tea, the bag of hard candy he'd meant to take to work but left on the kitchen counter and the cranky baby bubble bath Donna kept on hand for when he was past the point of reasoning with and just needed to relax. He wished he had known about the bubbles before he had taken the shower. 

Josh took the box of tea bags to the kitchenette, put some water on to boil and set up his laptop on the table. He logged onto the internet to check for the files Margaret was sending to him. He read through them, made some notes on a legal pad and wearily typed out an email to Leo. His concentration was almost non-existent and he worried about whether or not he should be advising anyone on such important matters. 

Almost an hour later Rebecca came out of her bedroom to find Josh still sitting at the table, absently stirring his cold tea. "Josh," she said as she lightly touched his shoulder. He jumped, nearly spilling the remaining tea. 

"Sorry," he muttered as he tossed the spoon aside and wiped up the table with a napkin. "What time is it?" 

"Almost 8:30," Rebecca said as she emptied his cup and put some more water on to boil. "Working?" she asked as she motioned towards the laptop. 

"I was trying to. I answered some emails, tried to think of some sound advice to give Leo and reread Donna's emails," he said with a weary smile. "Would you like to read them?" 

"I would. But I'll do it later, after you're asleep," Rebecca answered as she patted Josh's shoulder. 

"Yeah, I suppose that would be for the best," Josh agreed as he got up to pour the tea. They drank their tea and talked about a few benign subjects until Josh started to yawn. 

"Josh, go to bed. It's after 9; I'm sure Donna's asleep for the night." 

"I suppose you're right," he replied as he stood up and stretched a bit, feeling the familiar twinge in his back and leg. 

"Take some Advil and use the heating pad," Rebecca suggested, sounding very much like Donna at the moment. Josh grinned and leaned over to kiss her goodnight. 

"Sleep well Joshua, I love you." 

"Love you too, Mom." 

Josh brushed his teeth and crawled wearily into bed. Rebecca poured herself another cup of tea, grabbed a box of tissues and settled in to read Donna's emails. 

Josh tossed and turned for a long time. He thought about getting up and pacing around but he knew that would alert his mom to the fact he wasn't sleeping. He also considered taking a sleeping pill, his mom had tossed them into his bag, but he didn't want to sleep that long. He thought about sneaking out and going back to the hospital after his mom fell asleep but he figured she'd probably booby trapped the door to their suite. 

A little after midnight both of the remaining members of the Lyman family were finally asleep. Rebecca had read all of Donna's emails, had a good cry and called to talk to Leo for a little while. She tried to convince him to give Josh a few more days in Germany. 

***************** 

The fully expected nightmare woke Josh a little before 3. Unlike most of his dreams he didn't remember the details when he finally woke himself up. But it didn't take much imagination to know what the theme of the dream had been. He wasn't sure if he managed to wake himself up before screaming. A few minutes later, when his mother hadn't rushed into the room he figured he hadn't screamed after all. With a heavy sigh he untangled himself from the blankets and went into the bathroom for a drink of water. He splashed some cool water on his face and used the bathroom before heading out into the sitting room. The sound of the toilet flushing woke his mom. She sat up and listened, trying to decide if she should go out and check on her son. She didn't want to hover; he was after all, a grown man. 

Ten minutes later the lights to the sitting room were still on but Rebecca didn't hear Josh moving around. She got up, threw her robe on and went to check on him, hoping he'd just fallen back to sleep on the couch. She found him on the couch, not sleeping. It took him a minute or two to notice she was there. In those few minutes she got a good look at him. And she wasn't happy with what she saw. He was pale and shaking with fresh tear tracks on his face. With his knees pulled up and his arms wrapped around his shins and he was doing his best to curl up into a ball. 

Rebecca crossed the room. Stopping behind the couch she leaned over and kissed the top of his head before running her fingers through his curls. Josh looked up at her, not bothering to wipe away the tears. Rebecca just shook her head, wondering what Josh has ever done to deserve all that had happened to him in his life. She walked around the couch and sat down next to her son. 

"Honey, I think you need to talk about it," she said softly. The last thing she wanted to do was to upset him even more. 

"I don't know where to start." 

"Start anywhere, Josh. It doesn't matter. What matters is that you don't keep it all inside. It's not healthy." 

"You sound like Stanley," Josh snorted. 

"Which one?" 

"Doesn't matter," he replied with a grin. "Well, if we're going to talk I'm going to need some tea," Josh muttered as he started to stand up. 

"Josh, sit. I'll do it," she offered as she guided him back down onto the couch. Josh wanted to argue but didn't have the energy. 

"It's my fault," Josh said quietly a minute later as Rebecca perched on the edge of the coffee table as she waited for the water to boil. "I sent her there. I put her in danger." 

"Josh you got her on the CODEL, yes. But it was ultimately her decision to go. You were trying to help her to grow in her job. It's what she wanted." 

"She didn't want to be sent across the ocean only to be blown up," Josh said, louder than he should have. "It's not fair." 

"Joshua David, calm down," Rebecca said simply as she got up to pour the tea. She carried the mugs to the coffee table and set them down carefully before tucking her feet under her and sitting next to Josh. "No, it's not fair," she said as she handed him his tea. "Nobody blames you. Not me, not Susannah and not Donna." 

"How can you be sure?" 

"Did Donna throw you out of her room? Did Susannah scream at you? No, they didn't. Because they don't blame you. And it's high time you stopped blaming yourself." Josh could only nod. "Now, other that the obvious, how are things between you and Donna?" 

"Other than the fact that I got her blown up?" Josh snorted. Rebecca let out a frustrated breath, took the mug from Josh before he spilled it and took his hands in hers. 

"Look at me." Josh looked down at their hands. "Josh," she repeated, her voice taking on the same stern edge as it did so many times when he was younger. With a resigned sigh Josh lifted his head enough to look at his mom. "Stop," she said firmly and simply. 

Giving up on the pity party Josh settled back in the corner of the couch. "Things are a little strained, and not just for the obvious reasons. She's looking to grow in her job and while I know it's for the best I'm having trouble...trouble..." 

"Cutting the cord?" 

"Something like that. And now there's this other....thing." 

"Thing?" 

"Well, not thing exactly. Guy, Heathcliff on the moors, bodice ripping..." Josh stopped short while Rebecca was beginning to think her son had gone completely 'round the bend. "Apparently Donna met this guy in Gaza, a photographer. I think they... you kn-know," Josh stuttered. 

"Yes Josh, I know what you're talking about. I'm old, I'm not dead," Rebecca smirked. 

"OK," muttered Josh, feeling his cheeks turn red. "Anyway, this guy Colin, he shows up at Donna's hospital room. Just waltzes in with flowers and this rugged, I'm too-sexy-for-my-camera look. He touched her toes Mom. He kissed her, in front of me," Josh said, his voice rising at the end. 

"Josh, a good looking man kissed Donna in front of you, her boss. So what?" asked Rebecca trying to make her point without actually making it. 

"He flew all the way from Gaza to see her." 

"You flew all the way from DC," Rebecca pointed out with a laugh. 

"Yeah, I did," Josh said quietly. 

"And it was a longer flight than from Gaza." 

"Yeah, Mom, I know that. And even if I didn't, Colin pointed that out to me." 

"Why did you fly here?" 

"Because," Josh whispered, feeling that answer said it all. There really wasn't any need to elaborate and he hoped his mom wouldn't make him explain himself. 

"Yeah, because. So what are you going to do about it?" 

"Right now? Nothing. The time is not right. And yes, I've been saying that for way too long now. But it's true this time. Now is not the time." 

"I agree. It's time to just let things happen. Let Donna set the tone. You need to be whatever it is she needs. She's confused about what's happened, she's in pain and I'm sure she's feeling quite a bit of survivors' guilt. Josh could only nod. Survivors' guilt was something he was way too familiar with. "But what you need to do now, more than anything, is get some sleep," Rebecca said softly as she held out her hand for Josh's empty mug. He handed her the mug and stood up slowly, getting his bearings before heading back to his bedroom. Rebecca rinsed the mugs and turned off the lights. She knocked once on Josh's door. "Come in," he called. Rebecca pushed open the door and stepped in the room, letting her eyes adjust to the darkness. "Coming to tuck me in?" Josh asked as he scooted over to the middle of the bed giving Rebecca room to sit down. 

"Yeah," his mom replied with a smile that Josh couldn't really see in the dark room but could hear in the tone of her voice. She sat down on the edge of the bed. "I didn't ask but I assume you had a nightmare earlier." 

"Yeah." 

"Think you'll be ok now?" Josh nodded. "Call me if you need me." 

"Mom, I'm a grown man," Josh whined. 

"Yeah, call me if you need me," she repeated with a grin. She pulled the blankets up, ruffled Josh's hair and kissed his forehead. Although her gestures made him feel like he was a little boy, he found them comforting. 

"Hey mom," he called softly as she reached the doorway. "Thanks for coming." 

"There's no place I'd rather be." Josh smiled at the familiar phrase and closed his eyes, hoping sleep would return quickly. 

************************ 

"Donna, sweetie, you need to eat," Susannah said as Donna pushed away the breakfast tray. 

"I'm not hungry," Donna sighed as she glanced at the clock on the wall for the tenth time in as many minutes. 

"It's early, only 7:30," Susannah commented. "He's probably still asleep." 

I've always hated the fact you could read my mind," Donna said with a snort. She pulled the breakfast tray back towards the bed and lifted the lid off the plate. The sight of the eggs turned her stomach so she picked up a piece of toast instead. Susannah was wandering around admiring the large collection of flowers Donna had already received. She noted with a smile the large bouquet of roses from Josh. There were also flowers from Leo, The President and Mrs. Bartlet and from the Senior Staff. Donna watched as her mother read all the cards, knowing what would be coming shortly. 

"Who's Colin?" her mom asked as she fingered the card bearing his signature. 

"Someone I met in Gaza. A photographer," Donna said, hoping that was enough of an explanation. She should have known that wouldn't be enough to satisfy her mother's curiosity. 

"You just met him and he sent you flowers?" 

"Brought me flowers," corrected Donna as she once again checked the clock and glanced towards the hallway. "I...we...it's complicated. Colin and I had a...we..." 

"One night stand? Two lonely people in a foreign land?" guessed Susannah, cringing at the unplanned rhyme. 

"Yes...no...yes. Yes, we had a, you know. But it wasn't this cheap thing. I didn't pick him up in a bar or anything. We met at one of the meetings. He showed me the real Gaza, things I wouldn't have been able to see otherwise. I don't regret what I did," she stated as a tear slipped down her cheek. "Colin showed up two days ago. And I was glad to see him. He made me feel alive Mom. He's...he's hot," Donna said with a grin. "He showed up in his photographer's vest with his camera over his shoulder, flowers in hand." She stopped short and once again checked the time. 

"But?" asked her Mom as she carefully sat on the edge of the bed. Donna just shrugged her shoulders, grimacing at the pain in her side. "But when hottie photographer showed up you already had a visitor. A man in a rumpled suit who flew across the ocean with no luggage to be at your side," she correctly guessed as more tears slid down Donna's cheeks. "How did Josh react?" 

"He tried to act like he didn't really care. Called Colin "Heathcliff on the moor" and made fun of him. At one point I woke up and they were both standing there watching television. Neither one would sit down. It was like this weird face off. It felt..." 

"Good?" Donna nodded. "Of course it did. What girl wouldn't want two great guys fighting for her attention?" Donna chuckled and reached for her cup of juice. "So now what?" 

"I don't know. Colin's going back to Gaza and Josh...Josh is still here. As much as I want things to change, now is not the time," Donna replied choosing her words carefully. 

"And for once I agree. It's time for you to let Josh take care of you. Let him give you whatever it is that you need. Go with the flow. Enjoy what time you have with him here. I imagine he'll need to be getting back to DC soon." 

Josh, who had been listening to Susannah comments from the hallway, smiled to himself as he realized the similarities between what she had said and what his own mother had said. "Good morning," he said as he poked his head in the room. 

"Josh," Donna whispered, the tears starting all over again. 

"She's a little emotional this morning," Susannah explained as she handed Donna some tissues. 

"It's the drugs," Josh teased, using the excuse he frequently used when he had been recovering. In fact it was an excuse he still tried to use even when Donna pointed out that "sappiness" was not a side effect of Paxil or Altace. "Mom said for me to send you over to the hotel for real food and a nap," Josh said as he glanced over Donna to look her Mom in the eye. 

"Go, we'll be fine," Donna assured her. Susannah had no doubt that was true. She squeezed Donna's hand and said her goodbyes. She headed for the elevator, waving off Josh's offer to help her with her bags. "So what did you bring me?" Donna asked as Josh carefully sat down on the edge of the bed and out of habit rolled up the sleeves of his blue plaid shirt. 

"Bring you?" he teased. "I showered, put on clean clothes, ate and slept. What more do you want from me?" he asked as he reached to unzip his backpack which he had tossed on the chair. Donna pouted for a second. "Magazines," he said as he reached into the backpack. 

"Please God, no physics magazines," Donna groaned. Josh handed her a couple of fashion magazines and the only English copy of People magazine the hotel gift shop had. 

"Hand cream, green tea and hard candy from my Mom. She stopped by my place and packed me a bag," he explained as he dropped the goodies on the bed. "Do you want some tea?" 

"Please," Donna replied with a genuine smile. As Josh went out to the nurses' station in search of some hot water she thought about all the cups of tea she and Josh had shared when he was recuperating in the hospital after the shooting. It had become a ritual. Even now, they hardly ever shared coffee if they were working late at night, or if they were just hanging out, it was always tea they enjoyed together. 

They drank their tea and Donna appeased Josh by finishing her toast and attempting a few bites of yogurt. She tried to read a magazine but found it too much effort to hold the magazine up and focus. So Josh did what she had done many times for him four years earlier, he read aloud to her. 

While Donna dozed in the late morning Josh sat on the cot and spread out his work. When the doctor came in Josh excused himself to call Leo, or more correctly he hoped to just leave a message for Leo as it was 5:00 in the morning in DC. As Josh's luck would have it Leo was already in the office, well before dawn. 

As much as Leo didn't want to do it he had to insist Josh head home the following night. His presence was needed at Camp David. Josh didn't try to argue, he'd already been give more time than he had ever thought possible. 

Susannah and Rebecca came just as Donna's lunch tray was delivered. So Josh and his Mom let Susannah have some time alone with her daughter. Josh and Rebecca headed to the hospital cafeteria to get themselves something to eat. 

****************** 

Rebecca watched with a smile on her face as Josh dug into a plate of food. Freshly shaved and in clean clothes he looked 10 times better than he had the previous evening. But as she watched him eat she could tell there was something he was keeping inside. "What?" Josh asked as he wiped his face with his napkin, in case the reason his mother was staring at him was a stray piece of food stuck to his chin. 

"What aren't you telling me?" Is it Donna?" Rebecca asked. 

"I talked to Leo this morning." 

"Already," she asked as she glanced at her watch, it was still very early in the morning in DC. 

"Yeah, he was in the office at 5." 

"You have to go back," sighed Rebecca, her words coming out as a statement not a question. Josh just nodded. "When?" 

"I'll head back tomorrow night. I need to be at Camp David." 

"Did you tell her yet?" 

"No," Josh sighed. It was one conversation he was not looking forward to. "I know Susannah's going to be here but can you stay too?" Josh asked, not really sure where that question came from or why it was so important for him to have his mom stay. 

"Of course I'll stay," Rebecca assured him, not questioning at all why is was important to him. 

They finished their meal in relative silence. When they returned to Donna's room she was awake and in fairly good spirits. Both Susannah and Rebecca shared embarrassing stories about their children causing groans from both Josh and Donna. 

A little after 4 Donna was starting to fade again. Before falling asleep she insisted that her mother and Rebecca promise to go out for a real dinner and spend the night at the hotel. Susannah reluctantly agreed to sleep at the hotel, it wasn't like Donna would be alone, Josh had no intention of leaving Donna's side. 

While Donna slept Josh watched television for a while, read the newspaper and glanced at the few files he had brought with him. He thought about calling Leo and checking in but settled for checking his email. There were a few messages from Leo asking him to weigh in on a few aspects of the meetings at Camp David. Josh tried to formulate some coherent thoughts but found himself contemplating something else entirely. He pulled a legal pad out of his backpack and flipped through the pages until he arrived at the page he'd written on the plane ride over. He read it a few times, thought about ripping the page out but eventually just flipped the other pages over and shoved the whole thing back into his backpack. Donna was starting to stir and that called for his full attention. 

"Hey," he whispered as he poured her a drink of water. He held up the straw so she could take a few sips before trying to speak. 

"Hey," she whispered back barely loud enough to be heard. 

Josh reached to brush her hair out of her face. "You ok, you're a little warm," he said as he pressed his hand against her cheek. 

"Feel yucky," she replied with a sigh. 

"Yucky huh?" That description doesn't really help me figure out what's wrong," he teased, knowing she had said similar words to him, many, many times over the years. Donna gathered the energy to stick her tongue out at him. "I'll go see if Christine is around," Josh offered. Donna nodded and closed her eyes. 

Half an hour later Dr. Leahy came into the room to check up on Donna. "So, feeling yucky huh?" he asked as he picked up her chart. Donna and Josh both nodded. "You answering for her, or do you not feel well either?" Dr. Leahy teased Josh. 

"I'm fine," Josh muttered not all that convincingly. 

"Yeah, that's why you're limping around and look like crap," Donna said with a smirk. 

"Yeah, yeah. Could we talk about her now?" Josh groaned as he pointed towards Donna. 

"Certainly. So you're running a fever of almost 101, indicating some kind of infection. We'll draw some blood and see what we can figure out. Until then we'll try to keep you comfortable. Try to drink something, or see if you can get him to feed you some ice chips," Dr. Leahy said, hitching his thumb towards Josh who had migrated to the other side of the room, just in case the doctor wanted to check Donna's dressings. "I'll check back in a few hours." 

"Thanks," whispered Donna. She held out her hand towards Josh and he crossed the room just as Christine came in to draw the blood. He tried to leave the room but Donna's death grip on his hand kept him where he was. Closing his eyes to avoid the sight of blood, he held his breath and made it through in one piece. He opened his eyes to see both Donna and Christine rolling their eyes at him. 

"Leave me alone," he groaned. 

"You two behave, I'll be back in a little while," Christine smirked as she picked up the vial of blood and headed out the door. 

"Congratulations, you didn't pass out," Donna teased. 

"Yeah, well, I didn't look either. You want something to drink, ice chips; your dinner tray came a little while ago anything." Donna grinned at his rare display of complete attentiveness. 

"Some juice and a cool cloth," Donna whispered as she struggled to find the PCA button. Josh handed it to her and went to find some juice. By the time he got back with it Donna had drifted off again. He brushed back her hair from her face, kissed her cheek and set a cool damp cloth on her forehead, something she'd done countless times for him. He was sitting in the chair, flipping through a magazine when there was a knock at the door. "Come in," he called softly, figuring it was Christine or their moms. Josh looked up to see Colin standing there. Josh quickly dropped Donna's hand which he had been holding ever since he sat down. 

"Colin." 

"Josh." 

The two men stood up and for a moment regarded each other silently. Both had managed to clean themselves up considerably since they had first met. Josh vaguely gestured towards the chair in the room that was the furthest away from the bed. Colin grabbed it and pulled it next to Donna's bed, opposite the side Josh was occupying. 

"She looks worse than she did before," Colin went to touch her toes. Josh's glare caused him to pull his hand back before he even got close to her foot. 

"She had a blood clot," Josh said calmly. "About 36 hours ago," he added for good measure. 

"I...I had no idea. I was working on a story." 

"Don't worry, she wasn't alone. I was here. Donna's mom arrived yesterday and so did my mom." 

"Your mother flew all the way over here to see Donna?" Colin asked. 

"Yes. Mom and Donna are very close," Josh said smugly. But in the back of his mind he could hear Donna's voice urging him not to make trouble. "So, I see you managed to find some clean clothes and a shower too," Josh said, trying to make small talk. 

"Yeah. I got a hotel room. How is she, really?" Colin asked as he nudged his chin towards Donna's sleeping form. 

"She just spiked a fever. They took blood to see what kind of infection is brewing." Colin just nodded. The two men kept a relatively silent vigil over Donna for the next hour or so, breaking the silence every once in a while to comment on what was on the television. Josh's ringing cell phone brought him out of his thoughts. It was Leo. He excused himself and headed out into the hallway. They talked strategy for a little while until Leo got to the real reason he had called. 

"Josh, I need you back here." 

"I know. I'm leaving tomorrow night." 

"Morning," Leo said more sharply than he should. 

"Evening," Josh replied echoing Leo's tone. 

"Fine," Leo relented knowing that arguing with Josh was not going to help the situation. "How is she?" 

"Some kind of infection is brewing, she's running a fever." 

"Poor kid," Leo whispered suddenly feeling bad that he really did need Josh back DC. "Give her my love." 

"I will." 

Josh closed his phone and hooked it back on his belt. 

******************* 

Josh peeked in the door and found Colin holding Donna's hand. She was awake and smiling at him. Josh stayed in the hallway, torn between going in and interrupting what looked like a private moment and respecting that private moment. Deep down he knew it wasn't his place to be jealous. No matter what he felt in his heart or what he thought might be in Donna's heart, they were, in stark reality, still just friends. 

Josh saw Colin reach into his pocket and drop an envelope on the bed. He kissed Donna's forehead and squeezed her hand. He headed for the door, stopping in front of Josh. "I don't belong here, I know that now. Take care of her." Colin offered his hand to Josh who took it, all the while keeping his eyes on Donna. Colin took off down the hall and Josh went back into the room. 

"You ok?" he asked as he closed the door behind him. Donna shook her head and the tears started. "What did he do to you? What did he say?" Josh asked as his anger threatened to get the best of him. 

"Joshua, please calm down," Donna pleaded. At the sound of his full name Josh took a deep breath and calmed himself. 

"What's in here?" Josh asked as he picked up the envelope. He turned it over in his hands, there were no markings as to indicate what was inside but by the feel of it, it was obviously photos. 

"Don't open it," Donna said. It's pictures of...of..." 

"He took pictures of it?" Josh all but yelled as he threw the envelope back on the bed. 

"He's a photographer Josh, it's his job. He didn't sell them; he didn't even show them to anyone. He was going to destroy them but he thought maybe I would want..." 

"Want what? To see them? Why in the world would you want to see them?" Josh spit out as he stood up and started to pace. Donna let him be for a few minutes. Sooner or later he would figure out why she might want to see them. He stopped short as it hit him. 

"You don't remember anything do you?" Donna shook her head. "It's perfectly normal." 

"I know." 

"What's the last thing you remember?" 

"Colin walked me to the car. He snapped a few pictures of me as I got in. I remember Admiral Fitzwallace asking me something. I don't remember what it was. And then I remember waking up here, with you next to me." 

"Do you want to see them?" Josh softly asked again as he sat back down. He turned the envelope over, his thumb poised to break the seal. 

"No. Take them with you. Keep the safe. Maybe one day I'll change my mind." 

"OK," Josh said as he reached for his backpack. He shoved the photos in the front pocket and fished out two pieces of hard candy. He offered Donna one. She made a clumsy effort to open it but eventually gave up and handed it back to Josh. He opened the mint and put it in her mouth for her. Josh got up and resumed his pacing, alerting Donna to the fact he had something to say. She let him be for a few minutes until the pacing started really annoy her. 

"Josh stop pacing. You're making me dizzy. What is it you have to say?" 

"You know me too well," Josh chuckled as he turned the chair around and straddled it, crossing his arms over the back. "I have to go back." 

Donna nodded; she had pretty much figured that out. "When?" 

"Margaret booked me on a flight at 10 tomorrow night. I don't want to go," he whispered as he leaned over a little to rest his chin on his arms. He made no effort to hide the tears that were starting to fill his eyes. 

"Josh, I'll be fine," Donna said with much more conviction than she really felt. "My Mom is here. Go back to DC with your mom." 

"Mom is going to stick around. If that's ok with you." 

"Of course it is. She'll be able to drag my Mom out of here once in a while," Donna said with a smile. She let her own tears fall for a few minutes and she and Josh silently held hands. 

"Tell me what's going on at work," Donna said a while later, anxious to change the subject. Josh was leaving in a little over 24 hours and talking about it wasn't going to change that fact and it wasn't going to make it any easier. 

"No work, those are the rules," smirked Josh. Donna groaned, she should have known "THE RULES" would come back to haunt her one day. 

"Fine," Donna grumbled as she reached up push her hair out of her face. "Do you have a scrunchie in your backpack?" 

"Do I have a what? Where?" Josh teased as he pointed to his receding hairline. He picked up his backpack and set it gently on the bed, knowing Donna usually had one or two hair "things" in there. She unzipped the front pocket and reached around until she found what she was looking for. She also pulled out a brush and Josh's Chapstick. 

"Is nothing sacred?" Josh teased as she used the Chapstick and tossed it back in the bag. He held out his hand for the brush. Donna put the head of the bed up a little as sat up as best she could. Josh perched on the bed and carefully ran the brush through her hair untangling the knots. 

"I can't wait to take a shower," Donna muttered as she closed her eyes, enjoying the feeling of being pampered a little. 

"Well, I think you're stuck with sponge baths for a while," Josh pointed out as he gestured towards her leg with the hair brush. "But maybe I can track down a male nurse for you." he teased. "Hand me the hair thing." Donna handed him the blue plaid scrunchie. It took a few tries but Josh managed to get it straight and down low enough that it wouldn't annoy her when she put her head back on the pillow. 

"Nice job," teased Donna as she put her hand on the back of her head, feeling Josh's handiwork. "So you'll paint my nails next?" she asked. 

"Gee, I don't think I have any nail polish on me," muttered Josh as he patted down his pockets. 

"That's ok. Mom left some here. It's in the drawer." 

Josh gave an exaggerated sigh and reached in the drawer for the pale pink polish. He pulled the tray around so Donna could put her hands on it. Just as he was finishing up the second coat there was a soft knock at the door and both his mom and Donna's mom walked in. It took about 3 seconds for both of them to burst into laughter loud enough to cause Christine to pop her head in to make sure everything was ok. 

The four visited for a while. Eventually Rebecca dragged Josh out to get him something to eat, giving Susannah some time alone with her daughter. 

"He has to go back," Donna said as soon as Josh and his mom were out of earshot. 

"I know. Rebecca told me. You ok?" 

"I guess. I mean, I still can't believe he was actually here at all." 

"Did he tell you what Leo said?" 

"No. He didn't really say just how he ended up here," said Donna as her curiosity grew. 

"Apparently Leo said to him, if there's somewhere you'd rather be, I'm sure everyone would understand." As expected that knowledge brought Donna to tears. Susannah handed her tissues, got her a drink of water and held her hand. 

"He did a really good job," Susannah teased as she admired Donna's nails. 

"He's even better with toe nails but I didn't think that would be a good idea," Donna said with a grin. "Did you talk to the doctor?" 

"He called me," Susannah replied as she pressed her hand against her daughter's cheek. "You don't feel too warm." 

"I feel a little better, I guess. I'm really bored." 

"Why don't you make a list of some magazines and stuff and I'll see what I can get tomorrow," Susannah offered. Donna shrugged her shoulders. 

"Hand me the backpack, I'm sure Josh has some paper in there." Susannah set the backpack on the bed, watching with amusement as Donna just starting going through the bag like it was her own. "Colin was here earlier," Donna mentioned casually as she pulled out the legal pad and hunted for a pen. Susannah stopped what she was doing, picking the dead blooms off the flowers arrangements, and just stared. 

"And?" 

"And he left. He went back to Gaza." The look on Donna's face told her mother there was more to the story. "He said he didn't belong here, that he was glad to have met me. He left me some pictures he had taken of me and the..." 

"He took pictures of it?" Susannah spit out in the same tone Josh had used. 

"Mom calm down. Like I told Josh, it's his job, he didn't sell them, he didn't show them to anyone." 

"Where are they?" 

"In here," Donna said as she patted the backpack. "And they're staying in here. Josh is going to take them back to DC and put them somewhere. Maybe someday I'll want to see them. I don't know. I just want the option." 

"OK. Did you eat anything?" 

"No, I wasn't hungry. I think I am now. Can you see what you can find me?" asked Donna. The sudden urge to be alone was rather strong at that moment. 

"Sure." 

Alone for the first time in what seemed like forever Donna took a few deep breaths and thought about what might help occupy her time after Josh was gone. She flipped through the legal pad in search of a blank page. Something caught her eye and she stopped to read. Tears sprang to her eyes as she quickly read what Josh had obviously written on the plane ride over. There were two versions, one formal and one informal. She picked up the pen, flipped the page and started to write. By the time her mother returned she had nearly filled half a page in her distinctive, loopy handwriting. 

"Must be some list," Susannah teased from the doorway. 

"Uh, no I was just writing something else," Donna said cryptically as she signed her name, pulled out a blank sheet of paper and flipped the pad closed. She quickly wrote down a few things for her Mom to pick up for her. 

"You ok?" Susannah asked, noting Donna's eyes were red. 

"Yeah, just a little weepy. Must be the meds," she teased as she reached for the cup of pudding her Mom had brought for her. 

By the time Donna was done eating she was starting to glance at the clock every few minutes. Susannah noticed but decided not to mention it. Josh came in the door a little before 10. Having changed from jeans to sweatpants it was clear he had no plans to leave the hospital until the next morning. Susannah watched as her daughter visibly relaxed the instant her "boss" came in the room. Susannah went to talk to the night nurse and giving Rebecca and Josh a little time with Donna. 

***************** 

By 10:30 Rebecca and Susannah were on their way back to the hotel, Josh was getting some water for tea and the nurse was doing a vital check. 

"Well?" Josh asked as he came back in the room carefully carrying two cups of hot water. He set them on the tray and dropped a teabag in each. 

"Fever's below 100. Started a new antibiotic and they want to cut this thing back in the morning," Donna said as she held up the PCA button. 

"Well, let's hope you're not as crabby as I was when my morphine was cut," Josh said with laugh. 

"I sure hope not," smirked Donna as she reached for her tea. "Brings back memories, doesn't it," Donna said as she gestured towards her tea and then around the hospital room. 

"Yeah," muttered Josh. Donna shivered a little against the sudden memories and the over air conditioned room. She put the tea aside before she spilled it. "You ok?" Josh asked as he set aside his own tea to give her his full attention. 

"Cold," she whispered as she pulled the blanket up a little higher. 

"Want another blanket?" Donna nodded as she rubbed her arms a little to try and warm up. Josh tossed another blanket over her lap but that didn't do much for her arms. "You want this?" he asked as he gestured towards the blue plaid shirt he had on. 

"What about the IV?" Donna asked. 

"You still remember how to disconnect it?" Josh asked with a smile. She'd cut him loose countless times when he was in the hospital. The nurse had taught her how to do it and she'd become quite adept at it. 

"Disconnect what?" Christine asked as she appeared in the doorway carrying a sizeable box. Both Josh and Donna looked at her with appropriately guilty grins. 

"She wants to put this on," Josh said as he slipped his shirt off his shoulders. 

"I think we can do that," said Christine as she put the box on the chair. She disconnected the IV and Josh helped Donna slip on the shirt. With the IV reconnected and a vital check done the nurse left them alone with orders to behave and not mess with the medical equipment. 

"What's in the box?" Donna asked as she finished her tea. 

"I don't know. Let me look," Josh replied as he stood up to investigate. "It looks like it's from Gaza," Josh said as she pulled the tape loose. "It's from Andi; it's your stuff from your hotel room." Josh set the clothes aside. "I'll take these to the hotel and have them washed." 

"Please tell me my laptop is in there." 

"Here it is," Josh said as he pulled out her brand new government issue laptop and set it on the tray table. He found the power cord and the voltage adapter. "You want me to turn it on?" Donna thought about it for a few seconds but decided she was too tired to deal with it. Josh put her toiletry items in the bathroom and put her books and magazines in the top drawer of the bedside table. He pulled out the last item. It was a picture of the two of them, the very same image that was currently sitting on the night stand in his hotel room. Josh silently handed it to Donna, not wanting her to feel strange or embarrassed. She took it without a word and set it on the table next to her bed. 

"You look really tired. How about we turn out the light?" Josh suggested as he took in her worn out expression. 

"OK," Donna whispered quietly. "Can you get my toothbrush?" 

Josh helped her brush her teeth. He rolled up the sleeves of the shirt a little more and tucked her in with a kiss on her forehead. "Sleep," he whispered as he turned out the light. Josh sat next to her until he was sure she was asleep. He brushed his own teeth and turned the television on so he could catch the headlines. He was almost asleep himself when his cell phone vibrated against his hip. He sent up a little prayer before looking at the Caller ID. His prayer was answered, it wasn't Leo. It was Sam. 

Josh went out into the hallway so he wouldn't wake Donna. He paced back and forth, up and down the hallway, smiling in the direction of the nurses' station with each lap. After only three days it was clear to all of the nurses and most of the doctors that Josh and Donna were more than boss and employee. 

While he talked the night nurse went to check on Donna. Josh glanced at her with an anxious look on his face when she came back out of the room. She gave him the thumbs up signal and a smile as she headed back to the desk. 

Sam ended the conversation when he heard Josh start to yawn after each sentence. 

Around 1:00 AM Josh finally gave in to his own exhaustion and curled up on the cot after tucking the blankets back around Donna and kissing her forehead, just to check for fever, he told himself. He slept soundly for a few hours, waking when the nurse came in for a vital check a little before 4. Sleep didn't return quickly and he got up quietly and crept out of the room. He paced the halls for a little while trying to push back the growing panic he felt. He was surprised he'd been able to make it as long as he did without experiencing any panic symptoms. 

Feeling the walls start to close around him Josh quickly returned to Donna's room, grabbed his cell phone, his sneakers and his sweatshirt. He pulled the sweatshirt over his head as he headed for the elevator. He took a few deep breaths and leaned against the elevator wall as it descended to the ground floor. The faint music in the elevator was almost deafening to his ears, quickly turning from a vaguely familiar melody to the sound of sirens. He stumbled out the door and headed for the exit. Almost running by the time he hit the front door he pushed the door open and went out into the predawn darkness. He sat on the stone wall outside the hospital until he caught his breath and was reasonably sure he wasn't going to throw up or pass out. 

Josh slid off the wall and ran his hand over his face. He walked around the block trying to completely get rid of the restless panicky feeling. A distraction was what he needed but there weren't too many of them around at 4:30 in the morning. Summoning up a little brain power he figured out the time difference from DC to Germany, coming to the conclusion there would be plenty of people still at work he could talk to. He mentally ticked off names of people, deciding Toby was probably the best one to try. He would still be at work and unlike Leo, he would be glad to listen to him ramble and unlike CJ, he wasn't likely to get emotional over the phone. 

Josh went back to sit on the wall in front of the hospital and dialed Toby's number. 

***************** 

"Hey Toby," Josh said, trying to not to sound too pathetic. 

"Josh?" Toby asked as he reached for the remote so he could mute the television. 

"Yeah, it's me." 

Toby took a quit glance at his watch and did a little mental calculating. "Isn't it the middle of the night? What's wrong? It is Donna?" 

"Yeah, it's the middle of the night. Donna's doing ok, sleeping obviously," Josh added as he kicked his heels against the stone wall. 

"And why are you awake?" Toby asked as he leaned back in his chair and propped his feet up on the desk. 

"I woke up when the nurse came in." 

"Where were you sleeping?" Toby asking, knowing full well where Josh would have been sleeping. 

"Donna's room," Josh said quietly, feeling his cheeks blush. "I couldn't go back to sleep. I paced the halls and started to panic a little. Figured it would be better to get out of the building before I completely lost it and got sent to the psych ward." 

"Good choice. You ok now?" 

"I think so." 

"Andi got back today." 

"That's great. Tell her we got her package." 

"Package?" 

"Donna's stuff from the hotel room. So did you tell her how you feel?" 

"What, that she should never go away again," Toby said. Josh could tell he was smirking. 

"No, the part where you profess your eternal love," Josh teased. 

"Nope. Didn't do that. Did you?" 

"Nope." 

"Josh, you realize that we're, you know, pretty pathetic." 

"Yeah. I think I'm getting used to it," Josh said with a yawn. "How's things there?" 

"Crazy. We miss you, both of you," Toby said quietly, conveying the fact that it wasn't just Josh's politcal mind and Donna's organizational skills they were missing. 

"Thanks. I'm leaving here tomorrow night on Leo's orders." 

"I just want to let you know, as much as we need you here we all tried to get him to let you stay. The President included." Josh was quiet. He wasn't sure how to process that information, be pissed at Leo or be grateful towards the President. Not that it mattered all that much, he was still heading home in 17 hours. "Josh...Josh..." 

"Sorry," Josh muttered, pulling himself back to the conversation. 

"You ok?" 

"I think so," he replied as he yawned again. 

"Why don't you try to get a little sleep," Toby suggested as he let his brotherly feelings towards Josh come through in his voice. 

"Yeah. I think I can. If I don't talk to you before I leave here, I'll talk to you when I land." 

"Is your car at the airport or do you want me to pick you up?" Josh started to laugh at Toby's offer but something made him stop. 

"My car's at home. Margaret has my flight information. I'd appreciate a ride. Thanks." 

"Yeah, don't mention it. I gotta go, Leo's waving me into the Oval. Give Donna a kiss." 

"I will. Thanks Toby." 

"Yeah." And with that Toby hung up. 

********************* 

Josh walked to the corner and back before heading back to the room to try and get a little more sleep. He could see the nurse walking quickly towards Donna's room as he got off the elevator. So much for getting rid of the panic, he thought to himself as he broke out into a dead run towards her room. He got to her room expecting the worst. What he found wasn't nearly as bad as he had imagined during the 5 second dash down the hall, but it was certainly bad enough. Donna was rolled onto her side, arms wrapped around herself throwing up what little she'd eaten that day. Not giving as much as a second thought to his queasiness Josh moved to stand behind here. The one nurse moved aside to let him rub Donna's back and hold her head. 

"I'm done," Donna whispered a few minutes later. The nurse got her cleaned up and Josh helped to settle her back against the pillows. He put a damp cloth on her forehead and pulled up the chair. "That was embarrassing," she said with a sigh. 

"Donna, please. How many times have you held my head while I puked?" Josh asked with a smile. 

"Can't count that high," teased Donna. "Where were you? I woke up and you weren't here," she asked as she reached for Josh's hand. 

"I uh, I woke up when the nurse came in about an hour ago. I couldn't go back to sleep. So I walked the halls for a little while," he said, hoping his half truth would be accepted by Donna. 

"In your sneakers and sweatshirt?" 

Josh sighed, knowing he'd been caught. "I had to go outside for a little while," he admitted as he crossed his arms on the bed and dropped his head down wearily. 

"Panic attack?" Donna guessed as she reached to run her fingers through his hair. 

"Little one. I walked around the block and then I talked to Toby for a little while. He misses us. I think everyone does." 

"I miss them too," Donna said. She could feel the tears start to well up in her eyes. "I just want to go home," she said as her emotions start to get the best of her. 

"I know sweetie," Josh said as he grabbed tissues for both of them. "Soon," he promised, knowing he had no right to promise something like that. 

Donna drifted back to sleep just as the sun was starting to come up. Figuring Susannah would be back at the hospital early in the morning Josh decided against trying to go back to sleep. He packed up his things and went in search of a cup of coffee. 

********************** 

Back at the hotel, about the time Josh finally got Donna settled down enough to fall back to sleep, Rebecca woke up and padded into the kitchenette. She made some coffee and pulled a banana from the fruit basket. There was a knock on the door separating her suite from Susannah's. "It's open," Rebecca called as she reached for another coffee mug. 

Susannah came in. Much to Rebecca's surprise the younger woman looked like she had had a decent amount of sleep. She took the coffee Rebecca offered her. The two women settled down on the couch, feet tucked under them, sipping their coffee. 

"I talked to the night nurse when I got up. Donna had a rough patch early this morning. Apparently the pain meds didn't agree with her." 

"Josh had that same problem." 

"Apparently he was right there when she got sick. Guess he got past his queasiness." 

"I think my son would get past anything for your daughter," Rebecca said with a grin. 

Susannah nodded. "The timing's all wrong right now," she muttered, her comment coming out of nowhere. 

"Yeah. And I think that's something the four of us can all agree on. I just hope the right time comes soon," grinned Rebecca. "So what do you know about some handsome photographer?" 

"Well, he's got good taste in women, he's gone back to Gaza and apparently he'll take a picture of anything?" 

"Anything?" Rebecca asked. 

"He took pictures of...you know..." 

"No." 

"Yes. Donna tried to convince me it was just because he's a photographer. Which is probably true but I don't like the thought of there being pictures floating around out there. Colin swears there is only one set but I don't know if I believe him." 

"Where is that set?" 

"Josh has them. Donna wants him to keep them in case she wants to see them someday." 

"She doesn't remember anything does she?" Susannah just shook her head. "Josh didn't remember anything for a long time." 

"And then he exploded," Susannah said, her hand flying up to her mouth as the words spilled out. "I'm sorry. Maybe I wasn't supposed to know that." 

"Susannah, I'm sure you know all there is to know about my son," Rebecca softly assured her. "And I know all I need to know about Donna. Yes, Josh had a rough time that Christmas. But he eventually came through in one piece, thanks, in no small part to Donna. He'll be there for her. He has a pretty good idea of what to look for." 

"So any idea when Donna can fly home?" 

"Not yet. They want to make sure her lung heals from the embolism." Rebecca just nodded. She was unsure if Susannah knew what killed her husband Noah. "What's wrong?" Susannah asked her new friend. 

"How much do you know about my husband?" Rebecca asked as she pulled her knees up to wrap her arms around them. 

"Not much. His name was Noah; he died during the first campaign. Cancer right?" 

"In a way. Cancer didn't kill him. He had a complication when he went in for chemo the afternoon of the Illinois primary." 

"Pulmonary embolism," Susannah correctly guessed. Her guess was confirmed by the look on Rebecca's face. "Tell me about him," she said. 

They ordered breakfast and talked for over an hour about their husbands, their kids, their lives. They felt so connected, despite only having met each other days earlier. As Susannah was getting ready to head for the hospital they heard someone fumbling around outside the door to Rebecca's suite. It was Josh, struggling in his exhausted state to deal with the keycard. Rebecca let him in with a laugh. Josh gave them the quick run down of how Donna's morning had been so far before excusing himself to go shower. Susannah headed for the hospital and Rebecca checked her email on Josh's laptop. 

"Mom, can you get that stuff laundered for Donna?" Josh asked as he came out into the sitting room and pointed towards the bag he'd brought from the hospital. 

"Sure. All of it?" 

"Uh, not sure, let me check," Josh muttered as he dumped it on the coffee table while Rebecca headed to take a shower. Always organized, Donna had her dirty things in a separate compartment. Josh tossed them aside and then pulled out what looked like the clothes she didn't have a chance to wear. Everything was wrinkled so he just tossed it all together in the dirty pile. He reached into the side pocket and found what he assumed were her pajamas. As he pulled them out he recognized a t-shirt of his own, an old Harvard shirt, faded and soft from years of wear. He pulled it out and held it close. Even though he felt ridiculous doing so he inhaled deeply, smelling the faint sent of mango shampoo and Happy cologne. The scent was both comforting and upsetting at the same time. He folded up the shirt and stuffed it in his backpack. 

Josh went into his room and packed up his things, he didn't want to have to worry about doing it later. He wanted to be able to spend as much time with Donna as he could before he had to head for the airport. He heard his mom go into her room as he packed up the book he'd been reading and tossed a few pieces of hard candy in the front pocket. His hand hit the envelope with the pictures in it. Taking a deep breath he pulled it out and paced around the room for a few minutes, holding the envelope in one hand while tapping it against the other. His feelings ran the gamut from fear, to curiosity, to anger, to the desire to want to protect Donna at all costs. Standing with his back against the wall he took a deep breath and used his finger to open the seal. The paper cut he got doing so should have been the first clue he shouldn't be looking at the photos. He wrapped a tissue around his finger. The top photos were the ones Colin had taken just before Donna had climbed into the Suburban. She looked exactly as Josh had pictured her on the trip, hair flowing, no makeup and happy. After half a dozen or so shots Josh flipped to the ones of the bombing. The first was a wide shot of the car, upside down and in flames. 

Josh should have stopped there. 

He pushed down his growing queasiness and flipped to the next one. It was a shot of Donna taken with the zoom; she was upside down, bleeding and unconscious. Without really focusing on what he was looking at Josh quickly flipped through the rest of the pile. As he saw pictures of ambulances the sounds of sirens filled his head, at the sight of fire, the smell of smoke filled his nose, at the sight of Donna being pulled from the wreckage his stomach revolted. He ran to the bathroom, dropping the photos in the hall. He made it to the toilet just in time. 

Rebecca was just finishing getting dressed when she heard a groan, the sound of a door being slammed against the wall and finally the sound of her son getting sick. Thoughts of letting Josh handle things on his own never entered her mind as she pushed open the bathroom door. Josh was slumped over the toilet heaving violently. Rebecca knelt down next to him, just as she had done dozens of times when he was younger. She rubbed his back and whispered to him, all the while wondering what exactly had happened. She glanced towards the hallway and saw the photos strewn on the floor. She couldn't see what they were of but she knew in an instant what he had been looking at. 

When Josh calmed down a little he sat back on his heels. His mom handed him a glass of water so he could rinse his mouth. She helped him to stand up on shaky legs, steering him back to sit on the closed toilet lid. Rebecca wiped the sweat and tears from his face and the blood from his finger. She found a Band-aid in Josh's shaving kit and put it over the paper cut. Josh had yet to say anything and she was being to really worry about him. 

"Josh, sweetie, talk to me," she said as she knelt down in front of him and put her hands on his knees. Josh covered her hands with his and lifted his head enough to look his mom in the eye. 

"I looked at them," was all he said. 

"I know. You felt you needed to see for yourself. I understand." 

"It's my fault. Everything's my fault, first Joanie and now Donna," Josh whispered harshly. 

Rebecca stood up so she could look down on her son. "Joshua David Lyman," she started as she lifted his chin up with her finger, "Neither of those things were your fault, neither of them. We've been through this before. You carry too much guilt around with you. It's not healthy and you really need to stop," she said bluntly. "Brush your teeth and come back out," she said as she handed him his toothbrush. 

Seeing as he wasn't going to be allowed a pity party Josh hauled himself up and did as he was told. He brushed his teeth and left the bathroom. Rebecca had picked up the photos without looking at them, stuffed them back in the envelope and sealed it with a few address labels she found at the bottom of her purse. "Can I trust you to take these home and hide them somewhere?" she asked as Josh returned to the bedroom. He nodded and she put them back in his backpack. "If you want to look at a picture, look at this one, she said as she held out the picture of the two of them that was still on the night stand. 

"Donna had the same on with her in Gaza. It's next to her bed right now," Josh said as he ran his hand over the image. He carefully put it in his backpack and grabbed his pills. He was starting to shove his feet into his sneakers when Rebecca put her hand on his arm. 

"Where are you going?" 

"To the hospital, where else?" 

"Josh, you're still shaking and you're white as a sheet. You need to sit for a few minutes and relax. Let me make you some tea. You should really try and eat something." 

"Mom," Josh whined, "Please stop fussing over me. I'm a grown man." 

"A grown man who just spent 15 minutes getting sick and can't stand up without leaning against something," Rebecca pointed out. Josh quickly moved his hands from where he had them braced against the back of the couch. 

"Fine. Make some tea while I call and check in with Donna." Rebecca agreed with a nod and went to the kitchenette. Josh called the hospital to check in. Donna was scheduled to have a few tests done in about an hour. Susannah convinced Josh not to hurry in as Donna was likely to take a nap when she returned from the tests. "You win," Josh announced as he snapped his phone shut and turned to face his mom. "Donna's having some tests done and Susannah thinks she'll sleep afterwards. So I'll rest for a little while." 

"Good boy," Rebecca smirked as she poured the water for the tea. She didn't have much luck getting Josh to eat something but she gave up trying, figuring he knew what was best. 

A little after 11, Josh walked through the front door of the hospital carrying a small bouquet of wild flowers in one hand and his backpack in the other. 

******************** 

When Josh arrived at Donna's room she had returned from her tests and true to Susannah's prediction was sound asleep. Susannah was sitting in the chair by the window reading a book. "Good morning, again," Josh said as he knocked lightly so he wouldn't wake Donna. 

"Hi Josh. She just got back about 15 minutes ago, fell right back to sleep." 

"Everything ok?" he asked as Susannah stood to take the flowers from him so she could put them in a vase. 

"Yes. They were doing some studies to make sure the blood flow in her leg is ok. As far as they can tell it is. But she has a long road ahead of her. I wanted to talk to you about that. Would you like to go to the cafeteria? Maybe get some tea?" Susannah offered with a smile. 

"My mom just forced two cups of tea on me," Josh chuckled. "But I'd be glad to sit and talk." Josh dropped his backpack on the chair next to the bed, in case Donna woke up and needed something out of it but more importantly so she knew he was in the hospital. 

The cafeteria was relatively empty, the breakfast rush was over and it was too early for lunch. Josh led Susannah towards a table in the corner and went to get her tea. Deciding that he was a little hungry after all Josh got himself a muffin and some juice. He sat down at the table and waited for Susannah to start the conversation. 

"Donna and I were talking about what's going to happen after she gets out of here. The doctors think she will be able to leave here and not have to be admitted to Walter Reed when she gets home. They think she'll be able to be on her own, provided she has enough help at home. Of course, her father and I would love for her to come home to Wisconsin to recover." Josh's face fell, he knew that was certainly a possibility but it was one he had tried not to think about too much. The thought of not seeing Donna for possibly months was almost too much for him to bear. "Donna's vetoed that idea. We knew she would," said Susannah with a laugh. "My daughter has a mind of her own." 

"She sure does," Josh said. "That's one of the reasons I...." Josh stopped short. "One of her great qualities," he said as he tried not to cringe at how stupid his remark sounded. Susannah let it slide with a knowing smile. 

"So she wants to return home. And I don't blame her, it's where all her friends are, it's where her job is, it's where you are," she said without elaborating at all. 

"You know I will do everything I can to help her. After all, I have to return the favor she did for me four years ago," replied Josh as he pressed his hand lightly against the scar on his chest. 

"I know she can count on you. Which leads me to my next question," Susannah said with a grin. 

"Please Mrs. Moss, don't ask me what my intentions are towards your daughter," Josh sighed dramatically as he put his head in his hands. His actions brought a smile to the face of Susannah Moss. 

"I wasn't going to. Or at least not in those exact words. And please don't ever call me Mrs. Moss, that's my mother in law," Susannah teased. 

"Donna needs friends right now. She needs to feel safe and loved, she doesn't need to be starting a relationship with...with the ultimate gomer," Josh said with as straight as face as he could manage. 

"Timing is everything," Susannah muttered. Josh nodded in agreement. "But at least hottie photographer left the country," she smirked. 

"Could we please not call him that?" whined Josh as he picked up his glass. 

Susannah grinned and reached for her tea. "After Donna wakes up I'm going to go back to the hotel for a while, take your mom out to lunch. I want you and Donna to have some time alone before you need to head back." Josh looked up from his muffin expecting to see a smirk playing across Susannah's face. Instead he found honesty, trust and caring, things he didn't think he see so soon on the face of Donna's mother. 

Donna was awake when they got back to the room. Josh said a quick "hello" and headed to find her something to drink while Susannah talked to her for a few minutes. 

"I didn't think she'd ever leave," Donna said when Josh returned to the room about 10 minutes later. 

"She's only been here a few hours," Josh pointed out as he handed Donna a bottle of juice. 

"And she'll be here every day until I go home. And then she'll be at my home for God knows how long," Donna snorted as she struggled to get the cap off the bottle. 

"There," Josh said as he opened it for her. "Your mom seems nice," Josh muttered matter of factly. 

"She is, but I can only take so much of her. You're lucky you're leaving," Donna joked. 

"Hey, I'm just lucky she didn't want to rip me from limb to limb," teased Josh. "I thought for sure she would blame me completely," he added as his voice took on a more serious tone and his face clouded over. Donna saw his mood change before her eyes. She motioned for him to sit down in the chair next to the bed. 

"Did you really thing she was going to blame you?" Donna asked as she reached for his hand. Josh nodded and glanced away, not wanting to meet her gaze for fear of either falling apart himself or having Donna get all emotional yet again. "Josh, look at me," Donna said as she ignored the pain in her side and reached to firmly take hold of his chin. "I don't blame you," stated sharply. "It wasn't your fault, you shouldn't feel guilty. It happened and there is nothing you could have done to stop it. You didn't order me to go to Gaza; I went of my own free will. Remember that like you remember the fact that I came back to my job in the White House, that I came back to you." Josh could only nod. "Now, what did you bring me?" Donna asked, eager to change the subject before either one of them melted into an emotional mess. 

"Flowers," Josh said as he pointed towards the vase. 

"They're beautiful," Donna whispered as she craned her neck around as far as she could. "Put them over here," she said as she pointed to the bedside table, "So I can see them better." Josh moved the flowers and sat back down next to the bed. "I didn't have a chance to get you anything else," Josh said as he picked up Donna's hand. 

"I wouldn't imagine you did. You weren't gone all that long," Donna pointed out with a grin. 

"Sorry," Josh muttered as he did his best to stifle a yawn. He said nothing more as he tried his best to look "normal". Donna wasn't buying it for a second, she knew something had happened; Josh was paler than usual, more quiet and had a vaguely uneasy look about him. 

"Josh, what's wrong?" Donna asked as she gave his hand a squeeze. Josh flinched as she pressed her thumb against the Band-aid on his finger. "What happened?" she asked. 

"Paper cut. I was opening something," Josh replied with a wave of his hand. 

"Something?" Donna whispered as she caught his hand again, brushing her thumb against his palm. 

"An envelope," Josh said. It only took Donna a few seconds to realize what he had opened. She sighed deeply, not knowing what to say. She was curious to know about the pictures but certainly didn't want to upset Josh. 

"What happened when you opened them?" she asked, figuring her simple question would allow him to share what he felt comfortable enough sharing. 

"After the paper cut?" he asked as he did his best to stall. Donna nodded and silently urged him to continue. "I looked at them. I won't tell you about them," Josh said firmly. 

"OK," whispered Donna, completely trusting his judgment. 

"Then I...I..." 

"Puked?" Donna guessed, taking in his pale face and vaguely "unwell" look about him. Josh confirmed her guess with a nod of his head. He leaned forward, putting his elbows on the edge of the bed and rest his chin in his hands. Donna reached out to brush back his hair a bit, suddenly craving a little contact. "You ok now?" she asked as she cupped his cheek. 

"Yeah. Mom made me tea and forced me to sit for a little while before I came over." 

"Good. So, how about you help me hook the computer up so I can check my email," Donna suggested with a forced smile. She knew they needed to change the subject. Josh nodded and got up to grab her laptop from where it was sitting on the cot. He plugged it in and got it connected to the internet while Donna drank her juice and picked at the lunch tray the nurse had just delivered. While she picked at the food Josh got rid of the junk mail and read some of the messages to her, mostly ones from the other assistants and her friends back in DC. Josh read a long one from Sam that left both of them in tears. There was one from the President; actually Charlie had typed it for him. The certainly didn't matter to Donna, the fact that the President of the United States had taken time out to send her a message sent her over the emotional "edge". Josh got her some tissues and took a look at her inbox. There was only one left, a message from CJ. The mere mention of a message from CJ caused a strange reaction from Donna. Josh realized she'd had the same reaction each time CJ had called over the past few days. Donna hadn't taken a call from CJ and even glanced away from the television each time she'd seen her on the screen. 

"Sure you don't want me to read this, it's the last one left?" Josh asked hoping that the "clueless" act was the way to go. 

"I don't know. I guess so," Donna sighed. She hoped that by allowing Josh to read CJ's email he would just back away from the waters he seemed so intent on wading into. She wasn't buying the clueless act at all. She knew he knew something was wrong. Josh read the email. Although it was certainly hard to tell from the written word CJ's tone seemed a little strained and Donna didn't suggest that Josh type a response to her. Josh took that as a sign and set the computer out of the way. 

After Donna was done eating Josh cleaned up the leftovers and handed her a magazine while he excused himself so he could check his voice mail and return some calls. He started to leave the room but Donna just pointed towards the chair over by the television, clearly she didn't want to be alone. Josh talked to Leo, Toby and CJ. As Donna was listening to his every word, trying to bypass the "rules" and find out what was going on at work, he couldn't ask CJ what was going on. When Josh finally hung up he turned to Donna with an overly cheery look on his face. She snorted and shook her head. "Sit," she said as she pointed to the chair. Josh kicked off his sneakers and curled up in the chair. Even after all the years it still amazed Donna at the way Josh could curl up in the smallest of spaces. "So I guess you want to know about CJ." 

"Yeah, I do. What happened?" 

"The night of the lockdown CJ and I were locked in her office." 

"Yeah, I know. I talked to you on the phone. You hung up on me." 

"You don't know how to use a phone," Donna smiled, "Anyway we were having a conversation. I had just found out I was going to be the press babysitter on the CODEL. She accused you of selling me a bill of goods. I tried to defend you but she made some valid points." 

"Like what?" Josh asked, not quite sure he liked where the conversation was headed. 

"That I should have outgrown this job three years ago. That you hold me back," Donna held up her hand to keep Josh from saying anything. He nodded for her to continue. "I tried to deny it and then she said something that really got me thinking. She said she couldn't blame you, that it takes two. Basically, you hold me back and I stay, for...for whatever reason." 

"What was the reason she said?" Josh asked even though he knew full well what the answer was. 

"I stay because of you," she said quickly. 

"And is it true?" Josh pressed as he unfolded his legs and leaned on the edge of the bed. 

Donna bit her lip and pondered how to phrase her answer. She wanted to tell him the truth but didn't want him to feel any worse that he obviously did already. "To some extent it is. You gave me a chance in New Hampshire and you took me back when you had no reason to trust me. I guess in some ways I felt I owed you something, I guess. And then things got too comfortable I suppose. We work so well together." 

"We do," whispered Josh. "I'd be glad to share the blame with you," he offered with a grin. "I don't push you to do more and I should." 

"And I don't push as hard as I should for more responsibility," Donna countered. Josh nodded. But there was still more to it, he could tell. 

"What else?" he asked as he tentatively reached for her hand. When Donna made no effort to reach out to him he pulled his hand back. "She said I should go to lectures, symposia, look for other opportunities, both personal and professional." 

"She told you to meet other men?" Josh asked as he tried his best to look horrified but didn't even come close. 

"Well, I think her suggestion was actually to go out and have one night stands," Donna laughed. As she saw Josh's face drop and take on a whiter shade of pale she reached for his hand. 

"And that's what you did?" he said quietly. The tone of his voice didn't give away a clue as to how he was feeling at that moment. Truth was he had no idea how he felt. Emotions were fighting for space in his body and mind. 

"Yes, Josh. I had a one night stand with Colin. But I imagine it would have been more than a one night stand if things...if things had gone differently," Donna stated, deciding the honestly was the best course of action. 

"And now. Do you still feel that way? Do you plan on seeing him again?" 

"I don't know. Things are different, changed." 

"What do you mean?" Josh asked, eager to her what she thought. 

"Things are...confusing. A week ago I had no men in my life and now I have these two amazing guys who flew long distances to be with me." 

"I flew further," teased Josh. 

"I know. But right now I need...but what I mean is, I don't need..." 

"You don't need the ultimate gomer right now?" Donna just nodded as she sniffed a bit. "I will be whatever you need. I will be for you what you were for me, your rock, your shoulder to cry on, the person you call in the middle of the night when the nightmares get bad, the one you talk to when you just don't understand what's happening in your mind. Whatever you need, sweetie," Josh whispered, the endearment flowing easily from his lips. 

"Thank you," Donna mouthed, unable to get any words out. 

"When you get back to work we're going to talk to Leo about giving you more responsibilities. I'll just have to figure out a way to do some things for myself," he said with a self-deprecating laugh. 

"Like work the computer?" Donna teased. 

"Hey, did I not just open your email and read it to you?" Josh cried in mock horror. "I'm getting much better at using the computer. 

"Yes, you are," Donna finally agreed. 

"How about you get a little rest. I'm going to run to the cafeteria and grab something to eat. I'll be right back. OK?" 

Donna started to object but a wide yawn nixed that idea. Josh tucked her in, drew the blinds and headed to find something to eat. 

******************* 

While Donna slept Josh ate and read his own email. After a half an hour worth of internal debate he emailed CJ. He told her simply that he and Donna had talked about their conversation and that he understood why she said what she did. He assured her there were no hard feelings and that he would try to get Donna to either email her or take her next phone call. 

Christine came in the room to check on Donna a while later. Donna woke when she stuck the thermometer in her ear to get a temp. "Back to normal," Christine announced with a smile. "How are you feeling?" 

"Better, I think," Donna answered sleepily. 

Christine took a quick look at Donna's leg and checked her toes. "Everything looks good. Dr. Leahy should be by in a little while. Do you need anything?" 

"No, I think we're fine," Donna answered. Christine left with a smile knowing Donna would be well looked after by Josh. 

"What time is it?" Donna asked as Josh sat down next to the bed. 

"A little after 3. Can I get you anything? Juice? Something to eat?" 

"No Josh, I'm fine. What time do you have to leave?" 

"I should leave here about 7. I have to go back to the hotel to get my stuff and I want to see my Mom before I go." 

"Less than 4 hours," Donna muttered. "It could be weeks before I can fly home. We've never gone that long without seeing each other. It's gonna be strange." 

"I would think you'd rather enjoy the peace and quiet," Josh teased. 

"I should. But I think I'll miss hearing you bellow," Donna said quietly. 

"I'll call and bellow over the phone," Josh promised with a grin. "And I'll get better about emailing. And I won't complain about the length of your emails." 

"Good," said Donna with a grin as she reached to pull her hair free from the blue plaid scrunchie. Josh held out his hand for it and rooted in the drawer for her brush. He situated himself on the edge of the bed and brushed out Donna's hair for her. She was perfectly capable of doing it herself but Josh was willing and they were both craving the contact knowing it would be weeks before they had another opportunity to be that close. 

Josh redid the scrunchie, helped Donna settle back against the pillows and without thinking pressed a kiss to her forehead, lingering a little longer than he should. As he pulled back he saw Donna blush. It was probably one of the first times he'd seen a little color in her cheeks, she was still so pale. "Can you find my mirror in my bag?" Donna asked. 

"Sure, what for?" 

Donna just gave Josh a roll of her eyes before replying, "To see myself obviously. I haven't yet," she added with a shrug of her shoulders. "Anything I should know about? Any Frankenstein scars?" she asked. 

"Nope just some cuts and bruises. And a lot of freckles," Josh called over his shoulder. Donna groaned. "What? The freckles are cute," Josh said as he handed her the small mirror he found tucked inside her toiletry bag. 

"They were cute when I was 6, Josh," Donna pointed out as she took the mirror from him. She took a deep breath and looked at her reflection. It honestly wasn't as bad as she had expected. The scrapes weren't too bad and the bruises were beginning to heal. And she had to admit the freckles weren't too bad. 

"Freckles aren't too hideous?" Josh teased. 

"Nope, but I'd rather see them on you." 

"I don't have freckles," Josh protested. "Dimples, yes, freckles no." 

"Joshua, I've seen pictures of you as a little boy. Trust me; if you actually went outside in the sun once in a while you'd have freckles." 

"I go outside," Josh whined. 

"Before dawn and after sunset," Donna shot back. "You know, a little sun and fresh air wouldn't kill you." 

"They might," Josh whined. Donna just glared at him. "Fine. By the time you get back I'll have freckles." 

"And tan lines?" Donna teased. 

"Now you're pushing it. How about when you come back I'll take you to the beach?" 

"I don't think I'll be ready for the beach," Donna said as she pointed to her right leg. 

"Yeah. How about a picnic on the Mall?" 

"It's a date," Donna said with a smile. That smile quickly faded as she took a glance at Josh's watch. It was almost 4. 

"Don't do that. We have 3 hours and we're going to make the best of it. What do you want to do?" 

"Go dancing," Donna teased. 

"Cute. I have a crossword puzzle book, playing cards or we could watch TV," Josh suggested not really knowing what Donna would feel up to doing. 

"Poker," she said without hesitation. Josh pulled the cards out of his backpack and Donna reached into the drawer and pulled out a big bag of M & Ms. Josh groaned, with his bad poker face he knew the chances of getting any candy was pretty slim. 

An hour later as Donna's dinner tray was being delivered she was taking pity on Josh and giving him a handful of M & Ms. He'd been beaten badly but the smile on Donna's face more than made up for his lack of candy. 

"Anything good?" Josh asked as he pointed towards the covered tray. Donna took a quick look, made a disgusted face and dropped the cover back down. "Guess not," Josh teased as he looked for himself. The contents of the meal weren’t readily identifiable so Josh just dropped the lid down too. 

"I'll run to the cafeteria. What do you want?" 

"Soup. And a muffin," Donna replied. "And ice cream," she added as Josh slipped on his sneakers. 

"Anything else?" he asked dryly. 

"I'd kill for a diet Coke." 

"I'll see what I can do. Don't go anywhere," he teased as he slipped out the door before Donna could throw something at him. If anyone else had teased her like that she wouldn't have taken it well. But it was Josh and his teasing was different. Besides, when he had been recovering she'd done her fair share of teasing him. When he had whined about his scar she teased him by calling him Frankenstein. Never failed to bring a smile to his face. 

Josh came back to her room fifteen minutes later. He'd been able to get everything she requested, plus he was able to swipe a fresh flower in a bud vase off one of the tables as he'd left the cafeteria. He put everything down on the tray table, setting the flower down with great flourish. Donna smiled sweetly and reached to smell the flower. 

They ate in near silence, both lost in their own thoughts. Each took frequent glances at Josh's watch. As much as they willed the time to pass by more slowly it moved along at the same pace it always had. At six o'clock Josh pushed aside the remains of their meal. The time they had been dreading was drawing near. It was time to think of a way to say goodbye. 

"Do you want this back?" Donna asked as she motioned towards the blue plaid shirt of Josh's she was wearing. 

"No, keep it," Josh replied thinking of the t-shirt he'd taken from her bag. "Mom is having your laundry done. She'll bring your stuff by tomorrow I'm sure." 

"No hurry, I kind of like this look," Donna said dryly, motioning towards the oversized shirt and the shapeless hospital gown. 

Josh got up from where he had been sitting next to the bed. The sudden need to pace around was overwhelming. He paced back and forth at the foot of the bed a few times. Donna caught his eye and smiled sadly. "Sorry," Josh mumbled as he picked up his backpack and set it on the edge of the bed. He pulled out the Chapstick and dropped it on the bed along with two scrunchies he found stuffed in the front pocket. He pulled out his ancient Wesleyan sweatshirt and handed that to her too. He unhooked his Mets hat from the strap and held it out to Donna. She shook her head. "Please?" Josh pleaded. 

Donna silently accepted the gesture. She took the hat from him and set it gently on her lap. She knew the hat had belonged to Josh's Dad. Since the day Josh returned to the campaign after Noah died the Mets had was either on Josh's head or hanging from his backpack. It was never any other place. Josh started to move his backpack. "No wait," Donna said. "Hand me my tote bag." She stuck her hand in, digging around for something. 

"What are you looking for?" Josh as with a curious grin. 

"Just a second," she said as she tossed things aside intently looking for something. By that time Josh had figured out she was looking for something for him to take back home with him. He thought of just telling her about the t-shirt but he wasn't in the mood to be teased mercilessly by her. "Got it," she said triumphantly as she pulled out a small manila envelope. She wordlessly handed it to Josh. "Take these and keep them safe until I get back." 

With a questioning glance in her direction he managed to open the seal without getting another paper cut. He tipped it a little and out slid two ID tags. He recognized them instantly. They were their ID tags from the first campaign. The one Josh had handed her the day she came into his life and her own ID tag she'd gotten a few days later. Josh just nodded, slipped them back into the envelope and tucked in the flap. He put them in the pocket of backpack, carefully zipped it closed and gave the pocket a little pat. He glanced at his watch, it was almost time for him to go, he still needed to stop by the hotel and say goodbye to his Mom and Susannah. 

"Just sit with me for a minute," Donna said as the tears started. Josh sat down carefully, trying his best not to jostle the bed too much. He took her hands in his and they just sat and cried, tears rolling down their cheeks, falling onto their clasped hands. "I wanna go home," Donna sobbed. 

"I know honey, I know," Josh said as he leaned forward and kissed her forehead. He stayed with his forehead pressed against hers for what seemed like an eternity. Finally he pulled back and reached for the box of tissues. 

"Josh I....I," Donna fumbled around knowing what she wanted to say, sure of what was in her heart but unable to get the words out. But she knew that was for the best. It wasn't the time for big declarations of love. Hopefully that would come soon. 

"Don't," whispered Josh. "I know," he sighed. He also didn't want them to get into a conversation neither of them were emotionally ready to handle. 

So without words they conveyed what was in their hearts, emotions they hoped to face one day in the near future. 

As Josh started to stand up Donna pulled him in for one last kiss. It was short, sweet and only a second or two over the line of chaste they'd spent way too many years toeing. 

Josh tossed his backpack over his shoulder and headed for the door. He took one step out into the hallway and stopped at the sound of Donna's voice, "Joshua." 

"What?" he asked as he turned around and leaned in the doorway, bracing himself with his hand against the top of the door frame. 

"Why did you come here?" she asked simply as she clutched his sweatshirt against her chest. 

"Because there's no place I'd rather be Donnatella," he whispered as he turned to leave. He nodded towards Christine as he passed by the nurses' station. She mouthed a quick "goodbye" and pressed some tissues into his hand. He took them with a grateful smile and headed for the elevator. 

******************* 

Rebecca had all of Josh's things packed up and sitting by the door when he got back to the hotel. Judging by the look on Josh's face she didn't have to ask how things had gone at the hospital. The look on his face was nothing short of heartbreaking. Rebecca steered him towards the couch, got him a drink of water and sat down next to him slowly rubbing his back. "Do you want to talk about it?" she asked when he seemed to have gotten control of his emotions. 

"I don't even what to say. I don't know how I feel. Everything is just so confusing right now. Know what I mean?" he sighed. 

"Of course I do, a mother understands," Rebecca replied as she kissed his cheek. A knock at the door brought both of them to their feet. 

"I just came to say goodbye," Susannah said as she came into the room. 

"I'll just leave you two alone for a minute," Rebecca said as she went into the bedroom. 

Josh and Susannah sat down, he in the chair and she on the couch. Like Josh and Donna they too were struggling to put their feelings into words. 

"I don't know..." they both said at the same time. Grins came across both their faces, breaking the tension in the room. 

"I imagine you've already had one completely emotional goodbye today so let's not make this any worse than it needs to be," Susannah teased as she stood up. She opened her arms and Josh gave her a tearful hug. "Thank you for everything you've done. Please don't feel guilty," she said. Josh nodded against her shoulder. 

"I'll try," Josh promised as he stood up straighter and wiped his eyes. Susannah patted his cheek and left before she completely broke down. With a deep breath Josh turned towards his Mom. She gave him a quick hug. Josh took one last glance around to make sure he had packed everything. Rebecca had offered to go with him to the airport but he declined. Now that the time had come he just wanted to go. There was nothing he could do about the fact he had to leave. So with a big hug, kiss and a promise to call every day he headed for the airport. 

As the plane leveled off and the seatbelt sign was turned off Josh stood up and pulled his backpack from the overhead compartment. The flight attendant came by and took his drink order, Jack Daniels and Coke. Josh once again reread Donna's emails. The more he read them and the more he thought about it he began to realize that maybe the Communications Department would be a good place for Donna to grow. She already had the ability to handle Toby, he thought to himself as his drink was placed in front of him. He took a few sips before setting his laptop aside. Thanks to his White House ID he managed to get himself bumped to first class and was lucky enough to have the row to himself. He kicked off his shoes and curled up trying to relax a little. The alcohol helped and he considered ordering another but Donna's voice in the back of head told him to remember his sensitive system. He chewed on the remaining ice as he hunted for a piece of hard candy in his backpack. He popped a mint into his mouth as he pulled out the legal pad and the picture of himself and Donna. 

Josh stared at the picture for a few minutes and flipped open the pad to the page he'd written on the plane ride over. With one eye on the picture and one eye on the pad he reread over both versions of what he'd written. 

Leo McGarry, White House Chief of Staff: 

I hereby resign my position as White House Deputy Chief of Staff, effective immediately. 

Joshua Lyman 

Scrawled in Josh's angular writing it was short and to the point. Not exactly a wordy letter of resignation he thought to himself as he dropped the legal pad into his lap and stared out the window for a minute. But he'd written it in a haze of fear, exhaustion and lingering feelings of uncertainty when it came to how he felt about Leo. 

After he'd reread Donna's emails and had some time to rest on the flight over Josh had written another letter, one a little more personal, a bit more informal even though the intended recipient usually commanded formality. 

Dear Mr. President, 

By now I am sure Leo has informed you of my decision to resign. I would like you to know that although my actions may seem rash and spur of the moment I feel leaving is in my best interest as well as the best interest of the administration. 

Many things have changed over the past 9 months, some good and some bad. All of them, as well as the tragedy of the explosion in Gaza, have forced me to re-evaluate some aspects of my life. 

I am grateful for the opportunity to have served in your administration. What I have learned here will stay with me for the rest of my life. Although certain things that have happened have altered my life in ways I would rather not have experienced I will forever hold dear the memories of my time in the White House. 

It is time for me to move on, that has become clearer and clearer since last fall. The events of the last 12 hours have just served to cement my decision to move on. It's time for me to focus on my personal life, an area which has been neglected for far too long. 

Please accept the resignation I respectfully submitted to Leo. 

It has been a pleasure to serve to you. 

Sincerely, 

Joshua Lyman 

Josh tossed the notepad aside, intending to open up his laptop and type out the letters, just in case. As the pad bounced off his leg and onto the floor the pages flipped over revealing something written in Donna's loopy handwriting. Josh sighed and picked it up to read. 

Dear Josh, 

First of all, I came across your letters by accident. I was looking for a piece of paper for write something down for my mom. The page opened and I couldn't help but read what was there. Please forgive me. 

I can completely understand why you would want to leave. A lot has happened in the last 9 months and more has happened in the past few days. But I don't want your decision to be rash and based too much on what has happened to me. As I've said before and will probably be saying for the rest of my life, it wasn't your fault. I know you probably wrote the letters under extreme exhaustion, emotional anguish and maybe even the influence of something you shouldn't be drinking with your sensitive system. 

That said, if you are serious about resigning know that you have my full support. To be honest, part of me is surprised you didn't resign years ago. So many things have happened that would have made a lesser man leave. But I do ask that you wait until we talk about this, preferably face to face. I know I could have confronted you with this before you left Germany but it wasn't the time or the place. We're both way too emotional right now to discuss subjects as serious as this. So wait until I get home, wait until things settle down and most importantly, wait until you're thinking with both your head and your heart. I know you believe you were thinking with both when you drafted the letters but I think that by now you can probably agree that your judgment was clouded by any number of emotions. 

I will never be able to put into words how I felt when I woke up and saw you in my hospital room. But I imagine you know exactly how I felt. But I only had to take the Metro to be with you. You had to fly across the Atlantic to be with me. 

When I get back we have a lot to discuss, both work related and otherwise. Until then I'll be counting the days until I can come back to DC, work 18 hour days and listen to you bellow. Know that you will never be far from my thoughts. Call anytime, night or day, no need to burden yourself with the time difference. 

Love Always, 

Donna 

Josh reached for his handkerchief, blew his nose and ordered another drink. He thought about composing an email in reply to Donna's note. But instead he reread the letters of resignation one final time before crumpling them up and stuffing them into his empty glass. 

Looking out the window, the stars in the sky twinkled and winked as Josh finished his drink. He took one last glance at the picture of himself and Donna before tucking it back into his backpack. As he spread the blanket out over himself and curled up against the pillow he thought about all the times he and Donna fell asleep together on Air Force One. It was almost a ritual. No matter how short the flight was they always seemed to end up curled up next to each other, sometimes only pretending to be asleep. As he drifted off he couldn't help but feel that a part of him was missing, that there was this void in his life that he had finally figured out how to fill. 

******************* 

As the first light of dawn was breaking over the Atlantic Josh woke up and stretched. A few minutes later the pilot announced their descent into Dulles Airport. Josh slipped on his sneakers, ran his fingers through his hair and popped a mint in his mouth. For a second he wondered what would be the fastest way to get home, the Metro or a cab. Then he remembered Toby was meeting him. That realization brought a smile to his face. 

When the plane stopped and the fasten seatbelt sign was turned off Josh waited patiently for the others to deplane, even though he was in first class. He wasn't in the mood to be part of a mob for the exit. He had no connecting flight, no place to get to in a hurry. When the plane was basically empty he hoisted his backpack over his shoulder and headed for the jetway. As he entered the terminal he quickly scanned the thinning crowds looking for Toby. He found him standing off to the side, holding two cups of coffee. 

Toby looked as haggard and as weary as Josh felt. He set the coffee down on the window ledge and awkwardly walked towards Josh. Both of them, each equally stubborn and prone to keep everything inside, did the only thing they could think to do; they opened up their arms to each other, and cried. 

THE END 


End file.
